(Adapted from Robert Gonzales’ DVD “The Spirituality of NVC” by Vika Miller, Eric Sucher, and Joe Mitchell.)
NOTE: These instructions assume the reader has some understanding of human life-needs and feelings and how they empower us to enjoy abundant health, vitality, happiness, and a deep sense of safety and security. For more information about NVC and life-needs, Click Here.
Transforming the Pain Process – Steps
- What happened that stimulated your negative feelings? Try to state what happened as factually as you can (as an observation), in as few sentences as possible. IMPORTANT NOTE: If you’re not able to do this, don’t worry; just move on to step 2.
- What are your thoughts about what happened? (Give yourself full permission to say absolutely anything that you’re thinking. Get it all out.) For example, “He’s such a jerk! He never considers what I’m dealing with!
- What are the feelings you’re experiencing? (Give yourself full permission to say absolutely anything that you’re feeling. Get it all out. For a list of feelings, CLICK HERE.)
- What are you aware of as you express those feelings?
- Differentiate what happened (observation) from your story about it. To do this, before for each thought you’re having, say the words “I’m telling myself.” For example, “I’m telling myself he’s such a jerk. I’m telling myself he never considers what I’m dealing with.”Keep comparing what happened (observation) from what you’re telling yourself until you can see the difference between the facts of what happened, and what you’re telling yourself?* Can you see the difference between whatever genuine issues you may have about what happened, and what you’re telling yourself about what happened? Can you see that most of your negative feelings now are arising out of what you’re telling yourself about what happened?(NOTE: If you find yourself resisting this step – if what you’re telling yourself seems like THE TRUTH – move on to steps #7 and #8, and then come back and do steps #5, #6, and then #9.)
- How do you feel, when you see that what you’re telling yourself (your story) isn’t connected to the reality of what actually happened?
- Go back to what happened (observation). What were your needs that weren’t met? (For a list of life-needs, CLICK HERE.)
- How does that feel, to have those needs be unmet?
- Mourn the unmet needs. (Go back to the observation)
- How would it feel, to have those needs be fully met? Feel the beauty and aliveness of the needs.
- Go back to what happened (observation). What do you experience now?
- How do you feel when you get in touch with that?
- From this place, is there anything you’d like to ask of yourself or anyone else?
* However unpleasant the original, upsetting experience was, can you see that that experience is in the past (lasting perhaps a few seconds or minutes), and that since the event ended, you have been the one who has been re-creating that experience for yourself, again and again? (This kind of self-torture is very common, we all do it.)